Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
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Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.