Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
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[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
“No way.” -Jose
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what