An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
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My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!