Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
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Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
smh
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!