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[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.