DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
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Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
“i miss shittin on people”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”