*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
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FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
[montage of me giving-up]
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.