[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
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I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.