I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
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Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Does beer think about me too?
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.