Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
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[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Watermelon Boss!
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.