My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
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you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.