When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
You Might Also Like
*lint rolls you awake*
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.