Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
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“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.