*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
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Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I love the National Park Service.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
me, after any kind of buffet.
happy friday
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.