boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
You Might Also Like
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?