I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there