My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
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We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Wait for it
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting