sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
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Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.