Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
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Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?