Me, reading some of your tweets
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Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*