I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
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He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
*serious situation*
My brain:
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”