Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
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My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual