You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
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My patronus is a cheeseburger
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*