At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
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doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
when you order from DoorDastardly
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Where is your GOD now????
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one