Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
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We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
my professor scared me for a second
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Netflix: We have Less
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.