Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
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Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded