I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
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And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly