The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
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You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
hamburger doesn’t need your help.