My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
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It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.