Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
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If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Those are good neighbors.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again