me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
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I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?