“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
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apparently this year was written by stephen king
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?