Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
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One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you