The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
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I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Art by Pastelkatto
Hey! This isn’t my car!
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending