The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
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MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.