Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
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how was your vacation
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today