[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
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[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
inside you are two wolves
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
IT’S-A ME,
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen