lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
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The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
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Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
shampoo implies shampee
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no