BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
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concern
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name