Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
You Might Also Like
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras