*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
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My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
What my back needs
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
me and my fake scenarios
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
LMAO.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions