Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
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I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
the #horror is real!
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.