Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
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This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
“Sheer Arrogance”
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Autocorrect completely socks
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
12. I think about this all the damn time
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I am all good here, 😂😉