HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
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The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny