Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
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Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
is nasa ok
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.