Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
You Might Also Like
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
plums roundup
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.