*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
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Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
#oldknees