You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
You Might Also Like
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
oh u like geography? name every lake
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?