In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
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Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
#catsoftwitter
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
This kid is a star!
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.