I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
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Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Good Morning.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.